High Maintenance

When I was a kid I was a bit of a loner. I can´t remember when I stopped playing Go-Bots and transformers with the boys at the playground and started having lunch on my own. Sometimes I would sit and wait for people to show up for lunch as they said they would, and then I´d wait and wait some more. I learned to spend lunch and recess sitting in the library... and guess what. I found library friends with whom no appointments were ever made: we would just show up at the library and if no one was there, we wouldn´t feel dissappointed or let down, after all, we were there to read. And where there was someone there, we would feel happy and talk for a bit and that was that.

After all this time, whenever someone cancells plans with me I feel completely unable to deal with it in a rational manner. I´d rather someone didn´t make plans with me unless they were 100% sure they can make it. That I can deal with. What I despise is whenever I get all excited about a plan and then it doesn´t happen. Even if it is a simple plan like going over to someone´s house and hanging out, watching tv and eating chips. Like tonight.

Even if I know that the reason why I´m being cancelled on is legit, I still feel it emotionally. It brings tears to my eyes, tightens my throat, makes my stomach spin and I can´t not make it personal. I can say I understand, and in my brain it all makes sense, but the feeling of rejection stays and images of me being stood up countless times come to mind. Like that time when my friend promised he would be there at the airport to pick me up, so I told my sister she didn´t have to miss work and pick me up, and I ended up having to shuffle with my suitcase to the bus stop and taking the bus and taxi combo to my house when he didn´t show up and had his cellphone turned off. Like the time when I got ready for a date, spend money on clothing, spent hours on makeup and hair, cancelled other plans and then spent the evening sitting at home after he called to say "sorry, something came up, can´t make it".

So this afternoon, I got all excited about my new shoes. I had a shirt picked out to match with them and earrings as well. I was going to go the extra mile to make it special, my mom asked me about him and I told her that we would go out, and hang out, and that everything was great. He was meeting with some classmates to work on a final and after that we would go out and eat chicken wings, have a beer, then head to his house and chill. Then I ask how he´s doing and he´s all "we´ll have to work until late tonight and probably tomorrow all day on this, sorry. If I have time I´ll visit you on Monday".

So it sucks. I have no other plans. I hate having backup plans because I´ve spent my life being PlanB girl and I know how it feels. It makes me sad. Because here I don´t have my network of girlfriends I can call up and get pep-talks from about how I shouldn´t take it personally. And then makes me mad. Why should I care anyway? Why on earth am I broke and have no money to run off to the mall and catch a movie on my own? Why do I depend on a single person?

It makes me feel so insecure. I go over my whole life and try to think of what I´ve done to deserve this. As if it were on purpose. I got completely worked up. Screw him. Screw men. I get working, work takes my mind of things I can´t control. I know i´m being unreasonable, that it isn´t on purpose... it doesn´t help. When he messaged me wanting to know if I could still go out, it was too late already. My mood was ruined. I´m quite unable to rally myself out of these situations. At least my way to deal is to avoid what hurt me, in this case, I blame my dependence on him. I SHOULD be able to spend a saturday at home. I should be able to deal with plan cancellation.

So I said I wasn´t up to it, and he got offended. Now I feel guilty. Sigh.