11/09/2007

decision making

I need to get my head around the fact that just wanting to be with someone is not enough to make a relationship stick. I feel incredibly guilty for daring to analyze this relationship. I´ve spent my previous relationships over-analyzing everything and I guess this time I went all the way to the other side and I have avoided looking at this liaison too closely. As time goes by I find myself rethinking if this is working out for me. After 8 months something has to be going in the right direction or we wouldn´t be together, right?

I´ve been head over heels in love, I´ve also been in relationships I had to be talked into and with time fell in love the other person. A few I got into just out of curiosity to see what would happen, and some of those I wasn´t able to cut off in time and they became train wreck relationships with yelling and bitching and general unpleasantness. I felt too cowardly to break up , I felt guilty, I felt the other person deserved another chance and that maybe I deserved whatever I was getting out of the relationship.

Funny how I try and see what I´m doing "wrong" or "right" according to past experiences: since all of them are former relationships, I can´t say I´ve learned or improved my techniques and have come up with proper practices, if they had worked out I´d still be going out with that same person. Me? I´m just walking in the dark.

I´m not the most stable person when it comes to jobs or relationships: I´m not the most stable person when it comes to anything in my life as a matter of fact. I get bored easily, I strive for novelty, I like variety, I like adventure. None of them conducive for long-lasting relationships with minimum drama. He shouldn´t have to be blamed for my instability and he doesn´t have to be my personal jester, keeping me entertained 24/7 when I know things just tend to get old and boring for me. Everything eventually does.


Today I shared with him the idea behind a blog post Logtar wrote:

Everything you like about the other person or you share is a thread that strengthens the rope of that relationship. One thread alone can be easily snapped with little force, but the more threads your rope has the stronger it becomes.


I tried to start a conversation on what things we have in common, to go against my urge to pinpoint all the ways in which we are different, and came out empty-handed. Basically it´s "we use internet and our names start with the same letter". It´s scary. We don´t share hobbies, interests, family background, life experiences. I tried to bring it up again when we were lying in bed at his house and he laughed it off. He tends to do that whenever I try to broach any conversation topic that requires deep thinking and analysis. It seems that his 6th sense of skirting possibly conflictive issues is the reason why we´re still together: we haven´t had the chance to fight about anything yet.

Still, the not having things in common isn´t enough reason to end a relationship. I don´t really have all that much in common with any of my other friends here in Medellin, but we´ve managed to start projects and work together and have fun. With 8 month guy? Only the fact that we made out one night at a party and then continued hanging out and we just started hanging out more often until one day we were boyfriend-girlfriend and that was that. No romance or wooing, only the jitters and excitement that any new relationship brings. He´s been my complimentary color, balancing things out and being a perfect contrast for whatever I tend to do.

Louann Brizendine once mentioned in an interview that women´s biggest mistake is expecting our boyfriend to be our girlfriend, and I think I´m making that mistake even as I´ve been conciously avoiding doing so. I don´t have female friends in this city and he´s the closest I have to that. But I can´t hang onto a person in a relationship just because they are a good friend.

But I´m also selfish. And scared. I´m scared of being lonely. Scared of spending my weekends alone, of coming to my computer and not having a cute IM message appear while I was out. Scared that I could bring up the idea of breaking up and he wouldn´t mind. Scared of breaking up just a couple of weeks before summer holidays and then having nothing to do and no one to hang out with during that time. Because I know that breaking up with someone and expecting that person to remain a friend doesn´t work out, so I shouldn´t count on that.

All this hemming and hawing just so that I didn´t come out and say the most terrible thing of all: I don´t love him.

I thought it would happen over time, and nope. Nothing yet. It hasn´t happened and I don´t think it will. I like him and he´s the person I hang out the most with, but wouldn´t that just make him a friend? A friend with whom I´m intimate every once in a while? But friend and sex do not a boyfriend make.

I´m scared and feeling guilty of wanting to break up and the feeling guilty for not wanting to break up. I wish the guilt would just go away and I´d grow balls to just go ahead and do what I know needs to be done.

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

i would like to say i understand, but no, i like problematic relationships, i like to be passionate since the start, and... well, but i know how feels to be thinking in the break up moment... It sucks!

well, i could finish telling you count on me, but you said you get bored easily, so i prefer to say: anytime.

Unknown said...

I think you are thinking about this way too hard. As long as neither of you have overinflated expectations of the relationship it should be ok.

If you are looking for love and thinking that being in a safe relationship is keeping you from it, then change. If you are just passing the time trying to figure a new city out... then be cool with the companionship.

Overall be honest, just talk to him about what you feel and see how he feels. Do not think of breaking up as the solution... just don`t say you love him if you don`t.