Of love and other demons

I doubt my capacity to love. To experience the crushing and elevating sensation that is supposed to sweep me off my feet. I´ve felt it moments before crashing right back down, like the whole sweeping off my feet was just slippery moss on the sidewalk. I´m tired of relationships built on "lets see if this works". It´s like seeing the rollercoaster from the wooden seat of a trolley train that goes around the park. I can´t help but feel that I want that which I don´t have. I want the excitement. The butterflies, the assurance, the feeling deep inside that this.is.it.

I refuse to believe that I´m shackled for the rest of my life to experiencing only the middle, the safe ground, the place where nothing is lost because nothing is risked. I don´t experience this feeling for my family, for my friends, for my partners. It´s like it´s blocked out and hidden. I don´t feel passion, love or devotion for work, for ideals, for a life plan that is meant to work out. I feel comfort. I feel sedated quietness.

What´s wrong with me? why can´t I just give and find my passion? Yesterday I sat down and tried to imagine my future. I was in a beautiful and modern apartment, my cat curled up nearby. I had friends and social events. But no one romantically involved in my life. Funny. I imagine my future and it has me alone, going solo, cats as company. I can´t imagine anyone that would fit into that.

Procrastination

I am blocked. I have an article to write, all the information is at the tips of my hands. I have videos, an interview and a great story, but I´m lacking in drive to just sit down and write. I guess that´s what writer´s block is all about.

I´ve spent my afternoon fiddling with my cell phone, reading every single feed on my reader, visiting randome websites and playing online games. At a point I just got tired of sitting in front of the screen and being unproductive so I moved to the couch, watched tv and enjoyed not doing anything.

I don´t have deadlines, and that just makes it tougher to keep myself on my toes, or to feel the pressure to finish something. I´ve spent 8 hours trying to look busy, and to feel busy and actually doing nothing.

This week I feel as if my brain has been placed on hold. I´ve been mixing up dates, hours, meetings and people. Like i´ve been wired incorrectly and things that usually aren´t that difficult are impossible to do. Last night I collapsed into bed at 8pm, woke up at 1 and was only able to fall asleep once again at 4:30 am. I can think of at least 1 dozen different solutions, but I think that i´m wanting to be in this mindless state. If I don´t think about it, maybe it won´t happen. Or maybe it will.

blues

I can´t seem to shake off this lousy mood. I´m tired, and stressed and annoyed. I want to complain, and thankfully this blog gives me the chance to vent, at least a bit.

I´m tired of being moneyless... in spite of working really hard. I know it is just a matter of time. That soon I´ll be receiving monthly paychecks and at least moneywise life will be good, but this has been such a long wait, and on thursday I´ll have to see if a lawsuit will get kickstarted or if the shitty ass company I was freelancing for will decide to pay up what they owe me.

I´m also feeling like there´s so much I won´t ever get done in my life. It´s like I can´t help enough people, or start enough projects to take care of the needy. There are hungry people. There are women without sanitary napkins, there´s anorexia and bulimia, there´s lack of food, there are old people abandoned by their children, left in homes to spend christmas and holidays alone. I love sewing, knitting and crafting. I would love to read more. Anyway.

Good things are happening in my life... Good projects are going on, we´re helping people in our way with our digital literacy courses... but somehow, there´s this emptyness in my stomach that doesn´t let me sleep.

I worry about myself not having money... and I feel like a hypochrite. There are people who have none, and don´t have the chance to work

I feel the world weighs on me

I don´t know if I´m just tired and haven´t slept enough, but today I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders. I think to myself that there is so much that needs to get done in the world, and I´m doing so very little. My grain of sand today feels very insignificant.