I feel proud today. I was sitting with my boyfriend and he asked me to tell him something. I just mentioned what was on the top of my head: how when I was a kid, I used to be dead set on believing there was a soulmate out there for each and every person, and how as I grew and realized how MANY people there are in the world, I stopped believing. He then said that he never has thought about that. That he has this peter pan syndrome going on and never wanted to grow up.. except to be old and retired, which in my mind is equivalent to being a child with no responsibilities. He then said that it is quite possible that some people are just not meant to have soulmates. I replied that it would really suck if I turned out to be that person. Like if god just pointed out and said: soulmates? why yes, people have soulmates. Except you. You´ll be alone.
He then said that we should go watch tv. Olympian way to change the subject. I said I didn´t really want to and he insisted. I was musing on how he really isn´t the person to talk to about anything deep or personal. Whenever feelings or inner life gets mentioned, he runs. I have to confess I was fuming a bit. He kept asking, with the tv on, if something was wrong. And I was about to spout off, say that what´s the point of asking when he´ll never get it. I need someone to talk to about these things, and not have a monologue. He just isn´t this person. I had this mental diatribe going on.. and I just stopped it.
What I need are girlfriends. People who think that there is more to life than just going through the motions. Who think about the meaning of it all, the inequalities, belonging and all those other complex issues. He just isn´t this person. He isn´t a girlfriend. He´s a guy... and he happens to be the type of guy who perhaps loves me, though he probably wouldn´t be able to recognize it as such, but he shows it in many different ways. He takes care of me, he´s supportive, he´s good company... and he´s not a good conversationalist. I shouldn´t try to make him into something i know he isnt. And somehow, it´s ok. I need him as an anchor into reality. Into the present. Into the moment.
Into understanding that there isn´t much point about theoretically discussing the merits of love, and getting angry because he can´t verbalize needs and feelings, when he´s willing and available to hug me and stroke my hair. Actions over words.
