Women Power

This was originally written in Spanish and posted on August 08.

The conference seemed divided into two camps: the "serious" and cientific one and the social and community oriented one. It the bus I heard that there are many reaserchers that say they don't want to return to these conferences because "they are too social and not that scientific". For me thats the problem with researchers: they wish to separate a disease from those who have it and that is why I think there isn't more suport to microbicides and new means of protection. In fact, the posibility to connect with people from all over the world, activists and hear about prevention and education was what I liked the most about the conference. I spent most of my time in the cultural and social area, known as the Global Village. And at the Global Village I spent most of my time listening to a team of women who taught me very much about equity, human rights, prevention and self-esteem.

Among the sex workers what I saw was a cult to women: to their ability to choose what is best for her, and not just chose what society decides is good for them. Every day they face prejudices that determine that women need to escape sex work and "learn other trades"... while other job opportunities don´t pay the same, women from all over the world will continue to choose risking their lives as illegal workers than face the absurd exploitation in sweatshops, where not only will they be mistreated, but also will receive starving wages.

The most amazing moments for me were specifically 3: in the DASPU fashion show of the Brazilian prostitutes, in the theatre performance of Honey Bee Special and in the closing event where Mariko Passion sang. These sex workers and Brazilian prostitues come in all forms, shapes and sizes. It goes against everything that we as women are taught: that to attract men we have to be thin, blonde, big breasted and seen and not heard as well as dressed to impress. And well, no. They are sexy and pretty and they don't conform to any standard. They live on offering their sexual services, people pay them for their company, for their skills and to spend some hours with them. On top of that, they are activists constantly educating their peers and the community on information regarding human rights and health. They laugh in the face of conventions that constantly reminds women what our place in society is: always as a second class citizen and in the shadow of others, alient to what happens to our bodies, with men in power deciding what is best for us: whether abortion, contraception, sexual education, whether we are allowed or not to use miniskirts in public and in government offices. I admire them.

I admire the strength by which they defend their work, their life choices and they fight to decriminalize their work. Because not only is their job tough, they have to fight against discrimination, police, the stigma because of what they do, and no one ever points a finger at their clients. I also admire my newfound trans friends, because they are victims of even tougher discrimination on top of what biological women receive. Because if there is something I learned during these days are that human rights are for all. For all. All.

Diversity

06/08/2008

Originally posted on August 06th 2008.

It was like being at a gay disco. Condoms and margaritas, music, drag queens, transexuals, sex workers and every once in a while a plate with appetizers to dilute the tequila. Only that it was a party organized by the Open Society Institue of the SOROS foundation for the grantees of their program.

A musical group with harp and mandolins and guitars livened up the party, and I guess I could assume that it was the strangest party where these musicians had played, with Cambodian activists breakdancing to the rhythm of rancheras.

This conference has been a series of new discoveries. There are things about HIV-AIDS that I had never thought were important. There are also attitudes that are hard to understand about people who are at this conference: one would assume that an ally to the HIV-AIDS cause would have a broader mind when listening to sex workers speak out on their own about how they consider sex work just that... another job and not about exploitation and sex trade. One thing is one thing and another is another. But you can also find prudes here who can't understand how to deal with that situation.

For example: at the Hotel Sevilla where I am staying, they segregated the area in the dining room for conference delegates. The reason they gave? "Other guests are feeling uncomfortable with delegates for fear of catching something." This was told third hand, because I haven't even gotten close to the dining room and I haven't experienced this myself. This afternoon I feel I should go and ask to see what happened and what reasons they'll give. But what did happen is that the conference guests who faced this changed hotel. They made that decision in a city where there isn't a single room available in any hotel, so I don't think it was made lightly. [Edit: I asked around and other guests didn't feel any discrimination, so it could've been bad luck and a misinformed employee]

Now that I was walking into the Global Village, the laid back and personal area of the event, there was a protest right on the walkway. On one side, a handful of youth with signs stating that condom usage had not diminished the rates of HIV infection, but abstinence had. At the other end of the walkway, the youth groups, the sex workers and other allies where yelling out that they were responsible for their bodies, no one else, and yes to condoms and protection. The first group didn't take long to go on their way and try to find another area where they could manifest.

On the other hand, I experience my own prejudices when I see so much activism in favor for human rights for drug addicts living with HIV, or the rights of HIV positive people to have children in spite of the risk of passing it on. Their arguments are absolutely valid when stating that having this disease doesn't take away their humanity, nor their wishes, dreams and aspirations of their lives, and that they don't wish to be defined by a factor like their decision. And well, everyone, regardless of the decisions they make are human, and have rights that should be protected. And so it happens that many times people with HIV-AIDS have no access to medication for palliative care and pain management.

Still, I walk into these talks with skepticism, but I walk out convinced that they are right. Only that one never hears about these issues. Is like the problem is someone elses. Something that has become very clear about this conference is that ALL of us are at risk. ALL. Those of us who are monogamous and have a stable partner as well. Because one never knows. One believes one knows a person until one realizes that they gave you something. But at least know I know better to think that getting HIV is the end of the world. Because what I´ve seen while here are so many positive role models for positive people. So many people who work really hard for other people's rights, so that everyone can have access to life-saving medication, to health, to a decent job, free of discrimination. So many people who haven't let themselves go because of a diagnosis. People who have looked for a way out to being able to live with a condition that has yet no cure. And I can't help but admire them.

AIDS Conference 2008

02/08/2008

Originally posted in Spanish on August 2nd 2008

Well, here I am, in Mexico City receiving an impressive amount of information which I digest little by little. There are so many facets to the HIV-AIDS issue that I didn't even imagine. I'm in some kind of informational shock, I listen, write, think and talk.

One of the topics that have interested me the most from what I've heard is regarding sex workers and the work they do regarding HIV-AIDS prevention. Sitting here it is hard to think of anyone remaining with any sort of prejudice. These women are hands on, informed, brave and making their jobs get recognition.

It has been a few years since I met one of Sweetie's friends (character in this blog circa the end of 2006) who worked in one of the hotels downtown, hitting on gringos for hefty amounts of money and travel to touristic destinations in our country. This first contact with prostitution that close and told first hand removed several of the cobwebs in my mind, and today they were absolutely erradicated.

The priceless moment was when a woman from Kenya asked Gabriela Leite, sex worker from Brazil and founder of the clothing brand Daspu, why she was in prostitution. She simply replied: that question is never asked of people who work as lawyers, engineers or psychologists. It is only done to us. You ask if we were to receive enough money to maintain ourselves if we wouldn't prostitute ourselves, but we work as any other professional. Of course it is for the money, as any trade is. There is no one working out there to give away their money to others, they all do it because they need money to maintain themselves. And it is also for pleasure, just as any other job. Ask any engineer if they have days when they don't feel like working, or they feel so many years of study were worth it, and they probably have. We have good days as well. What we want is to remove the stigma related to this job, and that which makes people feel justified to ask us why.

Hats off.

theory

I feel proud today. I was sitting with my boyfriend and he asked me to tell him something. I just mentioned what was on the top of my head: how when I was a kid, I used to be dead set on believing there was a soulmate out there for each and every person, and how as I grew and realized how MANY people there are in the world, I stopped believing. He then said that he never has thought about that. That he has this peter pan syndrome going on and never wanted to grow up.. except to be old and retired, which in my mind is equivalent to being a child with no responsibilities. He then said that it is quite possible that some people are just not meant to have soulmates. I replied that it would really suck if I turned out to be that person. Like if god just pointed out and said: soulmates? why yes, people have soulmates. Except you. You´ll be alone.

He then said that we should go watch tv. Olympian way to change the subject. I said I didn´t really want to and he insisted. I was musing on how he really isn´t the person to talk to about anything deep or personal. Whenever feelings or inner life gets mentioned, he runs. I have to confess I was fuming a bit. He kept asking, with the tv on, if something was wrong. And I was about to spout off, say that what´s the point of asking when he´ll never get it. I need someone to talk to about these things, and not have a monologue. He just isn´t this person. I had this mental diatribe going on.. and I just stopped it.

What I need are girlfriends. People who think that there is more to life than just going through the motions. Who think about the meaning of it all, the inequalities, belonging and all those other complex issues. He just isn´t this person. He isn´t a girlfriend. He´s a guy... and he happens to be the type of guy who perhaps loves me, though he probably wouldn´t be able to recognize it as such, but he shows it in many different ways. He takes care of me, he´s supportive, he´s good company... and he´s not a good conversationalist. I shouldn´t try to make him into something i know he isnt. And somehow, it´s ok. I need him as an anchor into reality. Into the present. Into the moment.

Into understanding that there isn´t much point about theoretically discussing the merits of love, and getting angry because he can´t verbalize needs and feelings, when he´s willing and available to hug me and stroke my hair. Actions over words.

Of love and other demons

I doubt my capacity to love. To experience the crushing and elevating sensation that is supposed to sweep me off my feet. I´ve felt it moments before crashing right back down, like the whole sweeping off my feet was just slippery moss on the sidewalk. I´m tired of relationships built on "lets see if this works". It´s like seeing the rollercoaster from the wooden seat of a trolley train that goes around the park. I can´t help but feel that I want that which I don´t have. I want the excitement. The butterflies, the assurance, the feeling deep inside that this.is.it.

I refuse to believe that I´m shackled for the rest of my life to experiencing only the middle, the safe ground, the place where nothing is lost because nothing is risked. I don´t experience this feeling for my family, for my friends, for my partners. It´s like it´s blocked out and hidden. I don´t feel passion, love or devotion for work, for ideals, for a life plan that is meant to work out. I feel comfort. I feel sedated quietness.

What´s wrong with me? why can´t I just give and find my passion? Yesterday I sat down and tried to imagine my future. I was in a beautiful and modern apartment, my cat curled up nearby. I had friends and social events. But no one romantically involved in my life. Funny. I imagine my future and it has me alone, going solo, cats as company. I can´t imagine anyone that would fit into that.

Procrastination

I am blocked. I have an article to write, all the information is at the tips of my hands. I have videos, an interview and a great story, but I´m lacking in drive to just sit down and write. I guess that´s what writer´s block is all about.

I´ve spent my afternoon fiddling with my cell phone, reading every single feed on my reader, visiting randome websites and playing online games. At a point I just got tired of sitting in front of the screen and being unproductive so I moved to the couch, watched tv and enjoyed not doing anything.

I don´t have deadlines, and that just makes it tougher to keep myself on my toes, or to feel the pressure to finish something. I´ve spent 8 hours trying to look busy, and to feel busy and actually doing nothing.

This week I feel as if my brain has been placed on hold. I´ve been mixing up dates, hours, meetings and people. Like i´ve been wired incorrectly and things that usually aren´t that difficult are impossible to do. Last night I collapsed into bed at 8pm, woke up at 1 and was only able to fall asleep once again at 4:30 am. I can think of at least 1 dozen different solutions, but I think that i´m wanting to be in this mindless state. If I don´t think about it, maybe it won´t happen. Or maybe it will.

blues

I can´t seem to shake off this lousy mood. I´m tired, and stressed and annoyed. I want to complain, and thankfully this blog gives me the chance to vent, at least a bit.

I´m tired of being moneyless... in spite of working really hard. I know it is just a matter of time. That soon I´ll be receiving monthly paychecks and at least moneywise life will be good, but this has been such a long wait, and on thursday I´ll have to see if a lawsuit will get kickstarted or if the shitty ass company I was freelancing for will decide to pay up what they owe me.

I´m also feeling like there´s so much I won´t ever get done in my life. It´s like I can´t help enough people, or start enough projects to take care of the needy. There are hungry people. There are women without sanitary napkins, there´s anorexia and bulimia, there´s lack of food, there are old people abandoned by their children, left in homes to spend christmas and holidays alone. I love sewing, knitting and crafting. I would love to read more. Anyway.

Good things are happening in my life... Good projects are going on, we´re helping people in our way with our digital literacy courses... but somehow, there´s this emptyness in my stomach that doesn´t let me sleep.

I worry about myself not having money... and I feel like a hypochrite. There are people who have none, and don´t have the chance to work